Hospital and Rainforest Reflections

I consider the days of old, and remember the years of long ago.

I commune with my heart in the night; I meditate and search my spirit…

Psalm 77:5-6

Dear Friends,

I’ve had an interesting couple of weeks…

Two weeks ago, I celebrated my 65th birthday. I went around telling everyone I was now “officially old.” As usual, it was a day to give thanks for 65 years of life on this earth and to ponder what the next few years might bring.

The next day (after riding my bike into work), I decided to call Healthlink about a slight numbness in my left cheek that I had been noticing for a couple of days. After describing my symptoms and answering lots of questions, the nurse said, “You need to have someone take you to the ER. You might have had a stroke.” After some mild protestations, I had Kelly drive me to Rocky View where I rather quickly got taken in for a CT scan. The scan revealed a possible blockage that could indicate that I was having a stroke. This began a 2-day stint in the hospital waiting for an MRI to verify that or clarify if I had had a stroke. Since I was feeling fine, this provided the opportunity to reflect on my life while in a hospital.

My first reflection is one of gratitude. I had lived 65 years and this was my first hospital stay! This made me very thankful for the health that I have experienced and (often) taken for granted.

My second reflection is also one of gratitude… and wonder. After being wheeled around for various tests, meeting the numerous assistants, nurses, doctors, technicians, custodians, food providers and porters, it was impressive to see the complex and coordinated effort that provided care for me. Being able to watch my heart valves opening and closing on the electrocardiogram monitor  was both freaky and amazing. I give thanks for the amazing health care and health care system that has been created.  (Being from the States, the only thing more miraculous than the ECG was that I was asked for my Alberta Personal Health Card one time and then there was never any conversation about insurance, coverage, payments or expenses!)

After the MRI showed that what caused my numbness was not a stroke but something called a TIA, I was able to get out of the hospital in time to go to a Men’s Retreat in the rain forest of Puerto Rico! With about 15 other guys, we spent a few days talking about and digging into how we might be healthier and more faithful men. Here are a couple of takeaways…

It seems pretty clear that we all have an ego. Though this is what occurs to us as who we are, it is really a self that we have constructed to compensate for ways that we have experienced being “not enough” or “there’s something wrong.” This ego construction is more unconscious than intentional but it ends up being  our automatic way of living in the world. Our egos are quite helpful AND they get in the way. The bottom line is that even though they seem to work, they are not really our true selves!

For men, this ego work is important because there are so many “models” of masculinity in our society that aren’t particularly healthy. Just think of the whole macho mentality, the striving for power, the tendency for violence, and the need to dominate others (particularly women). These can reinforce our egos in ways that make it even harder for us to recognize our true selves the recognition of which provides authenticity, acceptance, grace, self-esteem and the capacity for real relationship.

My personal journey during this retreat was one of recognition. As I was exposed to some different perspectives on this kind of internal work, I was encouraged that it connected to and related to work I’ve been doing on myself for quite a while (after all, I am 65 years old now!). It doesn’t mean that I am done, but the presentations gave me more clarity about the “automatic ways of being” that still kick in and that get in my way. It also provided me with more clarity in guiding to others on how to go about obtaining this kind of self-knowledge for themselves. It would be exciting to get a group of men together here and to start doing this work together.

Birthdays… Hospitals… Rain Forests… opportunities to pause and reflect.

Peace,

Pastor Phil